Guitar Jokes Collection

OK, it isn’t officially validated by the Guinness Book of World Records yet. But, to my knowledge, the following 65+ jokes are the largest collection of guitar and guitarist related jokes found on the internet. Enjoy them and don’t get offended!

Guitar Jokes

1
Q: Why are so many guitarists jokes one-liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.

2
Q: How many guitar players does it take to cover a Stevie Ray Vaughan tune?
A: Evidently all of them.

3
Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: The lead guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

4
Q: What’s the difference between a keyboard and a synthesizer?
A: Who cares – neither one’s a guitar.

5
Q: What do you do if your rhythm guitarist is drowning?
A: Throw him his amp.

6
Q: What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless…

7
Q: How do you get a guitar player off of your front porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.

8
Q: How does a guitar player show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

9
Q: How do you get two lead guitarists to play in perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.

10
Two guys were walking down the street …one was destitute…
the other was a guitar player as well…

11
Q: What do you call a successful guitarist?
A: A guy whose wife has 2 jobs.

12
Q: What do you call in “in-tune electric guitar?”
A: An oxymoron.

13
Q: What do you tell a guitarist that is freaking out?
A: Don’t fret.

14
“Mommy, Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!”
“Now Johnny, you can’t do both!”

15
Q: What do you call a guitar player without a lawnmower?
A: Unemployed.

16
Q: Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
A: Neither have I.

17
Q: How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None…they just steal someone else’s light.

18
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five – One to change the bulb and 4 do watch him and say “I can do better than that.”

19
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one– but he’ll go though a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

20
Q: In the 22nd Century, how many guitarists will it take to change a light source?
A: Five – One to do it and 4 to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

21
Q: What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit?
A: “Will the defendant please rise …”

22
Q: What’s black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.

23
Q: What is the first sign you’re hallucinating?
A: Two guitar players are playing in tune.

24
Q: How do you make a guitar player’s car more aerodynamic?
A: Take the pizza delivery sign off the roof.

25
Q: What’s the difference between a guitarist and a pizza?
A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

26
Q: What’s the difference between a guitar player and a certificate of deposit?
A: The CD will eventually mature and make money.

27
Q: What’s the difference between a lawnmower and an Electric Guitar?
A: You can tune a lawnmower.

28
Q: How many Electric Guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change it and four to discuss how Eric Clapton would have done it.

29
Q: What does a Heavy Metal Musician use for birth control?
A: His personality.

30
Q: How does a lead guitarist change a light bulb?
A: He holds it and the world revolves around him.

31
Q: How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

32
Q: What’s the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

33
Q: What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
A: Counterpoint.

34
Q: What do you throw to save a drowning guitarist?
A: Pro-Tools.

35
Q: Whats one way to paralyze a guitarist?
A: Tell him the red light is on.

36
Q: How long does it take to tune a 12-string guitar?
A: Nobody knows.

37
Q: What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
A: Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

38
Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
A: You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.

39
Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: A guitar player with a business card.

40
Q: How many blues guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, one to change the bulb and the others to sing about how much better the old one was!

41
Q: What do you say to a jazz guitarist at work?
A: Big Mac and large fries please!

42
Q: How long does a guitar stay in tune?
A: About twenty minutes, or until someone plays it.

43
Q: What’s the definition of an optimist?
A: A guitarist with a mortgage.

44
Q: Why was the amplifier invented?
A: So the guitarist would have a place to put his beer.

45
Q: How many jazz musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Jazz musicians can’t afford light bulbs.

46
Q: What did the lead guitarist get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

47
Q: What did the blues guitarist’s tombstone read?
A: “I didn’t wake up this morning.”

48
Q: What would a guitarist do if he won a million dollars?
A: Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

49
Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it’s coming and there’s nothing you can do about it.

50
Q: What’s the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
A: You can negotiate with the PLO.

51
Q: How can you tell when an electric guitar is out of tune?
A: The strings are vibrating.

52
Q: Why do guitarists have to be awake by six o’clock?
A: Because most stores close by six thirty.

53
Q: What’s the range of a Gibson Les Paul?
A: Depends on how far you throw it.

54
Q:  What do you call a stressed guitar player?
A:  Strung out!

55
Q : What is a gentleman?
A:  A guitarist who can play fusion but doesn’t.

56
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic.

57
Q: Why did the guitar player get angry with the singer?
A: The singer turned a string and wouldn’t say which one.

58
Q: What did the guitarist do when told to turn his amplifier on?
A: He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

59
Q: Why bury guitarists six feet under?
A: Because deep down they are very nice people.

60
Q: How do you make a guitarist’s eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in his ear.

61
Q: What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
A: The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

62
Q: How many bluegrass players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They won’t touch anything electric.

63
Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like an Electric Guitar?
A: Add vibrato.

64
Q: What’s the difference between an Electric Guitar and an Acoustic Guitar?
A: The Electric Guitar burns longer.

65
Q: What’s worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
A: Laughing at them.

Thanks to the following web pages which were used for reference:

http://www.ducksdeluxe.com/jokes.html

http://www.acousticfingerstyle.com/jokes.htm

http://www.ahajokes.com/music_jokes.html

http: www.reviewmylife.com/guitar/jokes.htm

http://www.tenstorylove.com/guitjoke.html

Joke #2 might be my personal favorite. If you have a favorite guitar joke, highlight them in the comments. And, if you have any guitar jokes that I possibly failed to include, please do the service of providing them in the comments, as well